I wanna get high in the sky, like take a hot air balloon to the clouds and beyond. It will take me to my iWorld, a perfect planet for me. When I land, I am greeted by warm weather, near 78 degrees like Carson home, clean air will fill my lungs which has been so tainted with LA’s smog. A bright blue beautiful sky maps the sights above me, clouds shaped masterfully like God’s fingers personally, perfectly crafted white and grey portraits of my heroes: my mom, my lolo, and you.  My feet are tickled by the soft, green gross and my eyes take the pleasure of seeing the sights in front of me: a peaceful lake and accompanying it, two large, humble trees sitting, and a gorgeous golden span of plains completing my perfect horizon. I approach the majestic trees and create a canopy from the rope i found. I lay on my new bed, swinging with glee like I use to when I was a child. I just made a gigantic kite, made from blue, red, yellow and white papers, creating a flag and I hung it on my tree and saw my Filipino flag float proudly. I walk towards the lake, so clear I can see the sandy floor so alive with seahorses and wild alpha fish. The schools of fish move in unison make rainbows jet-streaming through the water like a laster show underwater. I can also see my reflection, but not as my present self, but myself with a carefree smile, with my old mushroom cut hair, and missing front teeth, a smile you can only get seasonal. During the best time in the year as an innocent child: the holidays. Kind of like now, do you remember that feeling? I can smell the humbling smells, the scents mix of cinnamon and rice and Christmas trees, and that sense is entwined with another, that of sounds: joyous choruses of the Jackson 5 christmas tape playing bolstered by me and my family’s laughter. I nap till sunset, which I quickly arise for. Something I didn’t wanna miss seeing. A sunset on the perfect day, feels like seeing the face of your first love for the very first time. That feeling where you say to yourself, you are going to be the one I fall in love with first, while staring into their soul, which wrapped around her rhythmic pulsing heart, harmoniously with the chorus of your heart.  You only get that feeling once, and I was lucky enough to see two; her and this sunset. The sun dozed itself leisurely into its slumber, and its rays retracted to their source, symbolizing the finale of day, and the grand entrance of night. The sky becomes a slow churning kaleidoscope of bright blue, to yellow, orange, red, then turquoise mixed with deep purple, and the two majestic trees light up with its christmas lights. In this mystical night sky, the stars are plentiful, each looking more dazzling than the next. They shimmered like glass pedals encrusted with a diamond stigma. Perfect roses. The meteor shower streaks the sky nimbly at first, then slowly begins to fade. Or my eyes began to close, either one, I couldn’t remember. As my eyes rested, I thought of these perfect stars. And I could only think of you. And I realized, this world is flawed. It’s perfectly missing you, the only thing to complete my fairy tale. But here you seem so far, and I want you to be right here, cuddling next to me, with not a worry in any world. All that matters here, is us. It is difficult I know, I understand there are obstacles in your world, and you keep doubt close to you. We are in two different leagues. The past pains and sorrows scar you to remind you that even in a seemingly perfect world, there are always things that may ruin it. But even with this perfect world, I’d still let it go if that meant there is still a chance of us. I’d give up my perfect world, if I can just be a part of yours.

love,

stay fly

ps: wanna get away with me?

http://hknudxnt.tumblr.com/

ps: some of you all can write too, i’d love to read yours if you have any. so follow me on tumblr so i can follow you all too

There goes that emptiness again. Something is missing, its a omnipresent feeling. It feels like an aura around me, this deep darkness that fills me up and brings me down. It eats me alive. And its usually happens when I’m around a group of my friends. And again I had alcohol in my system. Last time it happened I was in Vegas, in the middle of some club, drunk on my ass. But seeing all the smiles of these blurred faces quickly sobered me up, and time slowed down. And this same thing happened again last night, our thanksgiving dinner. I’m thankful for them and had a good time, but they weren’t the problem. I remember catching myself on the couch staring blankly, I was in deep thought. Thinking to myself, what is this feeling. I can’t seem to smile, I have no happy thoughts to conjure up, no dreams to fantasize on. I was void and empty of any good feelings. And it made me feel so, utterly empty. Life’s bullshit seems to be finally taking its toll on me. Slowly chipping away at my rock solid soul, grinding me to dust and sand to its seemingly unavoidable inevitable complete disappearance. I feel like most things that I’ve done hasn’t really  mattered to anyone, and I have no one to share the moments where something I’ve done has mattered most. Maybe its because I’m so used to sharing my happiness with someone that I’ve forgotten how to make myself happy. No drug is a comparable companion than sharing a smile with a significant other. I’m so lost and disorientated, I can’t seem to escape this loneliness. I have the cold, ever expanding universe in my chest. I am hollow.

stay fly

The stars are crashing. The sky itself seems to be crushing me. The pressure has been built, and my world is going to implode. It’s inevitable now, every tic and tock sends knife after murderous knife into my belly. The butterflies in my belly have morphed into locus eating away at my insides. But the saddest part is that my heart is beating without its usual beautiful bliss, rather every beat it slowly begins to break. Suddenly nothing else matters, although I’ve known for so long. Pretending to act like I have plenty of time, fronting like I would be fine. Yet, I failed at almost everything. I could not pretend and act, I have no time and I won’t be okay. The daylight seems so dull. Smiling itself is in arduous task, my cheeks are sore from forcing it. And my eyes are tired from releasing the wells out.

My lolo sits in his hospital bed, unable to do anything for himself. Can’t breathe, can’t eat, he certainly can’t live. He can’t think any longer, his ability to remember long behind him. I asked a friend a question: I wonder what was the last thing he remembered about me. It was only a few months ago when he was still able to speak, remember little things about me. Barely even able to remember my name. I would make sure to smile every time I’d see him. I wonder if he misses me in his unconscious mind. I miss speaking to him. There were certain times where I should’ve spent more time with him. Moments that I can’t redo. Life is the course, time is the teacher. I have learned a lot, but it took its toll on me. I’m about to lose what I kept so close, and I’m more full of regrets than I am of happy moments. Everyone can tell me that it’s natural when facing the losing of a loved one. But I feel so guilty. I’ve been asked this before, and I’ve written in response to it, where have I been? A question in a different context, less drama with an extra shot of reality. But my lolo wouldn’t let me be this depressed. I know I should be using what he taught me. Keep pushing ahead, make your choices, live and learn, make better ones next time and don’t ever look back in grief. He was such a stubborn man, never staying satisfied. Always hard working even when he should’ve retired, a true role model for his children. Even now, when nature is against him, brain shrinking and every system breaking down, infected and failing, his body fights for his life. He taught me that my best can always be better and that finding your potential is a progressive, ongoing thing.  His philosophy that he proves time and again, and will continue to until his last breath. I need a vacation to my dreamlands, away from this life that turned into a nightmare.

stay fly

Dear lolo,

I have my head bowed for the first time in forever, I hypocritical asking God for something cause I need him now more then ever. I pray that you will hold me down God, times ain’t been right shits been hella hard. My path is astray I know you would be proud of whatever Ive done, even when I see my right road ahead the other way I run. If you can only see where I walk you know I’ve been livin wrong, but without you lifes been just draggin along. I know all you would want is to see me smile, but it’s been a while, since I’ve had something to smile about, a frown, is what hides underneath this false expression, I yearn for the things you would teach about life’s lessons. Never stay satisfied he would say, keep pushing and never make mistakes. Especially those you can swerve around and avoid, all people see about me publicly is a decoy. A deviant deception, while my heart stays next to your bed just missin’ and reminiscin’. Holidays are usually tough but you were there to hold me down, but a word about the family drama you would never make a sound. And I know these times you would somehow find a way to get us gifts, so the only thing I want for Christmas is for you to lift — up your chin and whisper to me I’m so proud of what you’ve done, good and the bad, and I can only pray I was the son that you’ve never ever had.

stay fly

One million reasons. A seven figure number to tell you how much I care. A large number to quell your infinite amount of fears about what would be us. But there is one fear that I have. What if? I dont even know.. What if we can be happy and better people because of these feelings we share? I’d hate to not have a chance to make you happy. But if you’re contempt with the place we’re at, then who am I to say I want more? I can only hope that you can find your happiness. Just know you’ll always have me and dont you ever, ever doubt that.  You’ll always have me by your side, no matter what the circumstance, whether good or bad. I can’t force you to be ready for anything, I know that, and I know you love what we have and its perfect and all. I just dont wanna miss a thing. I dont wanna miss a potential happy memory. I dont wanna miss a damn thing. Yeah thats true, we’re both scared of being hurt. But that I know from experience can never be avoided, sunny days aren’t sunny without the rainy ones. Happiness doesn’t have its magic without the sad experiences. It just becomes a redundant act of normal-ness. Those sad moments are what strengthens us though, and we can become better for it. I know I’ll never do anything to purposely hurt you, thats just me. I can’t just stand idly by and say that I dont want more, because then I’d be lying. But I won’t pressure you to do it either. You truly believe that we are perfect just the way we are, and you ask why change whats already perfect? Because what if this friendship is just the surface, and theres something deeper, much deeper, waiting for us. There is something here, but if we choose to ignore it, let it blow by like a breeze, then you’re right, we wouldn’t have lost anything because we’ll be where we’re at now. Questioning ourselves, scared of what would or wouldn’t happen, a lifetime of memories unrealized. Unhurt. Unsatisfied. Even though it seems perfect, it may not be the whats right. I’m having the hardest time writing this, I can’t express this clearly at all. I tried to be blatant and all I can get is bland, I try to write perfectly but all I can get is contempt. And settling down for something less when I know theres so much more to it, is something I cant live with.  Just like you, I dont know either. But if we never try, then we’ll never know.  So for now, umm, I’ll just keep smiling for no reason. Until you’re the reason I smile.

stay fly