hollowness

I am so empty. #imsoempty

There goes that emptiness again. Something is missing, its a omnipresent feeling. It feels like an aura around me, this deep darkness that fills me up and brings me down. It eats me alive. And its usually happens when I’m around a group of my friends. And again I had alcohol in my system. Last time it happened I was in Vegas, in the middle of some club, drunk on my ass. But seeing all the smiles of these blurred faces quickly sobered me up, and time slowed down. And this same thing happened again last night, our thanksgiving dinner. I’m thankful for them and had a good time, but they weren’t the problem. I remember catching myself on the couch staring blankly, I was in deep thought. Thinking to myself, what is this feeling. I can’t seem to smile, I have no happy thoughts to conjure up, no dreams to fantasize on. I was void and empty of any good feelings. And it made me feel so, utterly empty. Life’s bullshit seems to be finally taking its toll on me. Slowly chipping away at my rock solid soul, grinding me to dust and sand to its seemingly unavoidable inevitable complete disappearance. I feel like most things that I’ve done hasn’t really  mattered to anyone, and I have no one to share the moments where something I’ve done has mattered most. Maybe its because I’m so used to sharing my happiness with someone that I’ve forgotten how to make myself happy. No drug is a comparable companion than sharing a smile with a significant other. I’m so lost and disorientated, I can’t seem to escape this loneliness. I have the cold, ever expanding universe in my chest. I am hollow.

stay fly